I’m leaving you. This love affair began long ago, but after fifteen years of humidity, poor performing hurricanes, and tourists amused by our state’s appalling education statistics yet they can’t comprehend a downtown one way street sign, I’ve decided to tentatively divorce you, Charleston. And you should be quite upset because my new homestead will feel like a shank to the heart. Ohio, yes, Ohio. Though most of your migrating concubines and suitors leave Ohio to embrace South Carolina, I am, with great shame, accepting a common law partnership with Ohio.
Don’t cry. I prefer you to weep. To mourn my absence silently and unbeknownst to all your other Charlestonian lovers since your Southern hospitality doesn’t stop at welcoming others with open arms. Charleston is a great Southern Belle, and anyone having traveled to the other side of the Crosstown knows as well.
I will not miss seersucker shirts, pants, ties, and body paint. Nor camouflage hats (with fish hooks), jackets, and trucks. I hate to inform you that Muddin’ is not an official sport but Recliner Racing may have a shot if you keep trying.
But in all seriousness, I will miss you, return as often as possible especially for post midnight rendezvouses, and represent you proudly since I vow to never forgo the linguistic bastard child “y’all.”
Below are lists of what I’ll miss most and least of the Lowcountry.
Leaving You Makes Me Die A Little Inside
1. Five Loaves Cafe
2. Andolinis – The Downtown hippies do it best.
3. Majestic Grille – R.I.P.
4. My friends…I won’t list because no need for some to think it’s a hierarchy or the chance I “forget” a name
5. Writer’s Group – The highlight of my Mondays for almost a year. Some of the most creative and witty minds I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.
6. Kicken Chicken – The food is always great, the service consistently blows like a cleft palate hooker
7. CofC Campus – Late night walks, through fall to spring, always enchanting except for the rebel bricks I trip over.
8. Blue Bicycle Books – A used bookstore not dominated by romance, mystery, and western novels.
9. Santi’s – Best Enchiladas Verdes EVER
10. Spoleto – Equally love and hate you for various reasons.
What Could Disappear Permanently
1. Tourist trap restaurants – Your food is overpriced, over processed, and definitely not the best Charleston has to offer!
2. Pompous and snob nosed people who think Charleston success somehow makes them special.
3. Fake Southern Hospitality – Truth is, all of us just wait until you leave the room to talk about you. Surprise!
4. Religious divides
6. Having two seasons – Hot & Hell on Earth. I don’t enjoy sweating (sorry, wait, Southern women “glisten” not “sweat”) just walking to my car.
7. Skinny Jeans – I’m sorry, tight jeans still won’t give you an ass.
8. The White Button Up and Khaki family photos on the beach – 1. White reflects light. 2. It’s just a little freaky.
9. Downtown flooding – My car shouldn’t need a raft and oars.
10. Stache-less Weatherman – If you shave your Magnum P.I. mustache again, I will disown you. <3
Though I have a love-hate relationship with Charleston, it is likely so because I consider it Home. I will leave you and return countless times. Loving you more when I’m far away, and hating you the most when I’m in humid air reach. Unfortunately, Ohio has the graduate program I chose. Athens will be a temporary placement and VisCom my new obsession. So, don’t consider it farewell, more like a fleeting love affair.